Articles by  Alice Reiter Feld

THE PRIVILEGE OF CAREGIVING

This article is dedicated to my father-in-law, Sidney Feld, who died on November 21, 2004.

For the last 2 ˝ years, my husband and I have been the primary caregivers for my husband’s parents.  By caregiver, I do not mean to imply that we took care of them on a day to day basis.  On the contrary, we have a great deal of help in providing for their care.  This help was as a result of proper financial planning during their healthy years and accessing all the outside resources we would need.  We were lucky to have prepared in advance because even with good planning and a lot of help, caregiving is incredibly difficult, exhausting and stressful. However, even if a loved one has not properly prepared in advance, there are many things families can do to make the responsibilities a little easier. 

In general aging parents can be a frightening concept for most of us.  We spend our lives being children and being cared for; one day the tables are turned and we must care for our parents. Most baby boomers grew up in good times - this may be our first experience with really being the “grownup”. How do we know if our parents need help? 

 Have you had any of the following thoughts?

• My parent’s personality is changing.

• My parent is forgetful.

• My parent needs help with activities of daily living.

• I fear for my parent’s safety.

• I fear for the safety of others (as with driving).

• The house is a mess.

• The finances are a mess.

• My parent has physical ailments.

• I do not trust what my parent is telling me.

• I am uncomfortable with what my parent is telling me regarding their illnesses.

• I am putting my head in the sand because I don’t want a confrontation.

When does a parent need help? The above are warning signs we need to keep our eyes open to. Since loss of capacity is often gradual and may seem to sneak up on us, we may not see it coming unless we are on the look out for the warning signs. The simple answer to when help is needed: Whenever a person can no longer properly care for his or herself, is a danger to themselves or a danger to others.

Where do I get help? Fortunately, I am an elder law attorney so I did not have far to go!  I made sure they’re long term care insurance was in order and when they got sick, I was in the position to know how to access all the additional help that was available.  We are grateful to be able to help our clients and their families similarly to access all the public benefits and additional help they can get and in general to put their financial, legal and personal affairs in order. We have a social worker on staff to aid in this endeavor.  Mostly we are grateful to be a resource and a comfort to families in need of help and direction. 

You are not alone.  Once you have sought help and have direction, the task of caregiving, while still daunting, becomes much more manageable.  You will have the tools to make decisions and the knowledge on where, how and when to access help when needed.  You will have your legal and financial affairs in order.  You will know what if any illnesses your parent has and how it is being treated.  You will know you have an advocate if you need one. You will have realistic expectations. You will know how to get help for yourself and budget your time and energy.  In other words, you will have a plan.

Summary:  I titled this article “The Privilege of Caregiving” because in spite of how difficult it is, it is also a tremendous privilege to offer care and love to elders who can no longer care for themselves. By receiving help and allowing yourself to feel all of the feelings, you make room for the meaningful moments between you and your parent.  That’s the privilege of caregiving.